Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Hug

I have spent all day looking for something...something to cheer me up, to lift my spirits, to mend my heart a little bit.  Today has been a challenge for many reasons that I won't go into here, but beyond all those reasons is the underlying sadness I always feel on this day and the day after every year.  Nine years ago tomorrow, I lost a baby at 13 weeks in my pregnancy.  It rocked me to my core, and I relive it every year.  Today is the day that I dread the feelings I will feel tomorrow.  I dread that exact time passing.  I dread thinking about the events of that day and feeling those feelings again.  I spend the day wondering "what if" and "why?". 

This afternoon, after being challenged by my children all morning on top of dealing with my anxiety and sadness, I took out my Bible and spent some time in prayer asking God for guidance.  I was led to II Chronicles 1:7- "Ask for whatever you want me to give you."  I was reminded of the importance of prayer all the time, but especially now, when I was struggling.  I knew what I needed to ask for...patience, guidance, love, comfort, to ease the loneliness, peace, more patience.  Prayer is not a luxury; it is a necessity.  We need to talk to God.  It is worth the time!  I have allowed much of my faith life to sadly slip away while being on this seminary journey (ironic, I know).  I am realizing now, more than ever, that I need to put it back in my life.  I need my time with God- my Bible study, my prayer time, a church life.  I am stronger with it than without it.  I am stronger with God than without God.  Curious for other verses on prayer, I looked up Luke 5:16- "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."  I certainly was feeling like I was in a lonely place today.  I decided to take advantage of this moment, while my little one was sleeping beside me and his older siblings were outside.  I dropped everything and prayed again.  I thanked God for all the good things I had, despite some of my current frustrations with them.   And I asked God for what I needed right now...patience, guidance, love, comfort, to ease the loneliness, peace, and more patience. 

Fast forward to a couple hours later.  Despite feeling extremely numb and unsocial, I headed down to our seminary community Thursday night potluck.  And it was there that I received my patience, guidance, love, comfort, ease of loneliness, peace, and more patience...all in the form of a hug...from a rather unexpected person.  I had been on this person's heart today, and God hooked us up.  I was blessed enough to receive a hug at the beginning of the potluck and another one at the end.  I asked, and I received.  God is good.

I'm still dreading tomorrow, but I'm dreading it a little bit less.  Thanks to an awesome God and an unexpected hug.