I have spent all day looking for something...something to cheer me up, to lift my spirits, to mend my heart a little bit. Today has been a challenge for many reasons that I won't go into here, but beyond all those reasons is the underlying sadness I always feel on this day and the day after every year. Nine years ago tomorrow, I lost a baby at 13 weeks in my pregnancy. It rocked me to my core, and I relive it every year. Today is the day that I dread the feelings I will feel tomorrow. I dread that exact time passing. I dread thinking about the events of that day and feeling those feelings again. I spend the day wondering "what if" and "why?".
This afternoon, after being challenged by my children all morning on top of dealing with my anxiety and sadness, I took out my Bible and spent some time in prayer asking God for guidance. I was led to II Chronicles 1:7- "Ask for whatever you want me to give you." I was reminded of the importance of prayer all the time, but especially now, when I was struggling. I knew what I needed to ask for...patience, guidance, love, comfort, to ease the loneliness, peace, more patience. Prayer is not a luxury; it is a necessity. We need to talk to God. It is worth the time! I have allowed much of my faith life to sadly slip away while being on this seminary journey (ironic, I know). I am realizing now, more than ever, that I need to put it back in my life. I need my time with God- my Bible study, my prayer time, a church life. I am stronger with it than without it. I am stronger with God than without God. Curious for other verses on prayer, I looked up Luke 5:16- "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." I certainly was feeling like I was in a lonely place today. I decided to take advantage of this moment, while my little one was sleeping beside me and his older siblings were outside. I dropped everything and prayed again. I thanked God for all the good things I had, despite some of my current frustrations with them. And I asked God for what I needed right now...patience, guidance, love, comfort, to ease the loneliness, peace, and more patience.
Fast forward to a couple hours later. Despite feeling extremely numb and unsocial, I headed down to our seminary community Thursday night potluck. And it was there that I received my patience, guidance, love, comfort, ease of loneliness, peace, and more patience...all in the form of a hug...from a rather unexpected person. I had been on this person's heart today, and God hooked us up. I was blessed enough to receive a hug at the beginning of the potluck and another one at the end. I asked, and I received. God is good.
I'm still dreading tomorrow, but I'm dreading it a little bit less. Thanks to an awesome God and an unexpected hug.
